Posts Tagged ‘Germany’

With a gentic makeup rivaling that of the Saiyans, history has shown that when wounded Germans are provided time to heal, they only reappear stronger than ever.  Alternatively beaten by and beating back threats from within and without across the centuries, Germany is today firmly on the crest of its sinusoidal historical wave.  The German economy is by far the most robust in Europe, and at 5th overall in the world, Germans have ample reason to be proud: Their country is the largest exporter of goods in the world, German is the most common first language in Europe, and just to really shove everyone’s faces in it, they even recycle more than almost anyone else.  The rapid ascent of Germany is all the more remarkable since the unified nation of Germany has only existed since 1990, following the successful political fusion dance of Cold War East and West.

With the rise of modern Germany in the late 19th century and its rapid military victories over France, a hopelessly antagonistic philosopher riding a historical crest and later an imprisoned young art student most decidedly in the trough both looked around at all of the history they were seeing and decided to sit down, count to ten, and write about how it made them feel.  Rather than discarding these scraps of internal monologue faster than you can say “anger management,” they chose instead to publish their work and change the entire world.  Each in their own way came to believe in the notion of a super race, which, since we’re talking myths here, might as well be absurdly powerful with blonde hair and blue eyes.

 

A typical German family portrait.

 

One of the pitfalls of this gated community of Übermensch was the inherent exclusivity of it; as is the case with treehouse clubs, the CIA, and the Troll Book Club, not everyone could be a member.  The result was the most destructive war humanity has ever waged on itself, part and parcel a pattern of streamlined, mechanized genocide.  In the post-War era, Germans have taken great strides toward promoting peace, refusing to mire themselves in a past that most everyone would rather forget.  The Nuremburg Trials held Nazi officers accountable for war crimes; the Nazi flag and party remain illegal.  When terrorists stormed the Israeli athletes’ rooms during the 1972 Munich Olympics, high-ranking German ministers reportedly offered their own lives to exchange places with the Israeli athletes.  Even the previously unthinkable has happened: a friendship and friendly rivalry has blossomed with France, now Germany’s largest trading partner.  Germany has moved on strongly.  Today, the average German citizen has a power level well over 9000.

 

A German (left) and a Frenchman (right) battle to a stalemate. They would later become unlikely friends.

 

Local Name: Bundesrepublik Deutschland (Federal Republic of Germany)

Language: German

Capital: Berlin (Bonn was the capital of West Germany)

Population: 81,305,856 (all of whom can recite the lyrics to any David Hasselhoff song from memory)

Area: 357,022 km2

Government: Federal republic; elected Chancellor rules and secretly engineers the Clone Wars

Currency: Euro; symbol EUR; €1 = US$1.31 (March 2012)

Economy: World’s 5th largest; Europe’s largest; vehicles; chemicals; international trade; machinery; highly skilled workforce

Notable International Enemies: Ghosts of their past.

 

Featuring the national colors of Germany, the current flag was adopted in 1919 during the Weimar Republic.

 

Famous For: Guzzling beer (2nd largest consumers after the Irish); several famous philosphers and composers; the Autobahn; the Holy Roman Empire; its on-again-off-again brush with European dominance throughout history

Not Famous For: Being the first country to adopt Daylight Savings Time (during WWI); producing some 35% of the world’s wind energy; publishing the first Bible and later jumpstarting the Reformation; being the world’s largest exporter of goods

Obligatory Tourist Detours: Brandenburg Gate; Munich; the Black Forest; Cologne Dome

What US$20 Can Get You: Several plates of currywurst, a sausage/curry hybrid dish; two nights in a hostel

Quick History Recap: Thwarting Roman efforts of annexation in 9 AD, the region east of the Rhine remained a collection of loosely affiliated districts until 1871, when the modern nation-state of Germany was established under Prussian Otto von Bismarck.  Germany’s economy soared, quickly matching that of the industrialized Western European nations, allowing for rampant expansion.  Decades later, the expense of forced war reparations, the unstable Weimar government, and the Great Depression created a fertile political atmosphere for the national socialist party and its young leader, an unsuccessful painter named Adolf Hitler.  The Second World War crippled Germany once again, literally dividing the country for half a century by the Allies and USSR.  Performing a successful fusion dance in 1990, Germany has since become one of the largest economies in the entire world, with a collective power level of just over 3.28 trillion.

 

The most common first language within the European Union, German is spoken by nearly 100,000,000 people.  Not limited to Germany alone, Austria, Switzerland, Belgium, Luxembourg and tiny Liechtenstein all feature large contingents of German speakers and varying degrees of official state recognition.  With a hefty alphabet just foreign enough to throw umlauts over three–count ’em–THREE vowels, one can only imagine that they must have simply run out of elbow strength by the time their pen reached the letter ß, thereby saving it to be mispronounced in an entirely different manner.  Here are the seven phrases and words that will help me to survive and reproduce in Germany, the eighth country on my trip around the world.

1. Hello.     “Hallo.”     [HAH-loh]

Dutch, German, English–all the same, save for a few scrambled letters.

2. Yes/No.     “Ja/Nein.”     [yah/nine]

Very similar to Dutch, nein?

3. Do you speak English?     “Sprechen Sie Englisch?”     [SRAHK-en zee ANG-lish?]

It works more often than you’d expect.

4. Where is…?     “Wo ist…?”     [voh ist…?]

Now wait a minute–this is just a poor man’s Dutch!

5. How much?     “Wie viel kostet das?”     [vee feel KOS-tet das?]

Uncanny, once again.

6. That tastes good!     “Das schmeckt gut!”     [dahs schmekt goot!]

German food is meaty; vegetarians need not learn this phrase.

7. Thank you.     “Danke.”     [DAHN-kuh]

You’ve just been helped and/or fed. Congratulate your partner on becoming a bit more internationalized. If you are carrying prize ribbons or certificates of achievement, give one to your new friend.

Notable customs:

  • Germans often tip by rounding up the bill, but rarely bill by rounding off the tip.
  • Don’t drink until a toast has been said, and stay away from Heineken, because PABST BLUE RIBBON!


 “Heineken?  Fuck that shit!  PABST BLUE RIBBON.”

Honorable mentions:

Bless you!     “Gesundheit!”     [geh-soond-hait!]

“A cataclysmic downfall or momentous, apocalpytic event!”   “Götterdämmerung!”   [goy-te-deh-me-rung!]

Happy Hanakah!      “Glücklicher Hanukkah!”      [GLOOK-leesh-er hah-na-kah!]