The international lightning rod of negative stereotypes, the French would smugly like to remind the world that they are not exclusively homosexual cowards. France’s history of kicking and/or getting ass may well begin 30,000 years ago, when the newly nationalized Frenchmen, Homo sapiens, either engaged in a genocidal rampage or simply outsexed the resident Neanderthal population, eventually leading to the complete eradication of Homo neanderthalensis. Whether it was bloodlust or regularlust is a moot point; both possibilities remain distinctly French. Advancing to 15,000 years B.C.E., a shamanistic tribe in Lascaux (southwestern France) spearheaded the French artistic tradition with a series of cave paintings chronicling all the megafauna they were killing. These warrior-shamans appear to have crawled into the darkest, most inacessible corners of the caves, where their minds likely dipped into the reverie of a sensory-deprived trance state.
How a battle between megafauna and a Frenchman in trance might have looked.
Within a few thousand years, all of the Meganimals were extinct. Like the Neanderthals who fell before them, these beasts could have been either hunted or inbred into an increasingly sexually deviant French gene pool. No one knows for sure, but the hypothesis that modern France descended from an erotic ménage à trois between Homo sapiens, Neanderthals, and giant cave bears is oddly compelling. And speaking of modern France, in 1915, Rudyard Kipling wrote that “their business is war, and they do their business.“ Today they boast the third-largest military budget in the entire world, and that’s not even including the 300 nuclear missiles reserved for after they get around to cloning some wooly mammoths. Since 367 B.C.E., France has dabbled in 169 major wars and battles. They outright won 110, were left to wallow in existential self-pity 49 times, and fought to a bitter stalemate on 10 occasions. On the other hand, throughout his entire boxing career, heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali only managed a win-by-KO percentage of 60.66%. France was so testosterone-fueled that it overran England in 1066, and the English came so close to the fate of the cave bears that everybody there spoke French for 300 years. Just because everyone eventually forgot about that, one of their diminutive generals later decided to conquer Europe, and for good measure, they established colonies on all seven continents. Overcompensating much? In summary, France is like that insecure jock at the frat party who, when called gay, responds “fuck you, bro!” and is later seen dragging his girlfriend out by the arm, demanding to have sex immediately.
This is not French culture.
This is not a pipe.
Local Name: Republique francaise (French Republic)
Language: French
Capital: Paris
Population: 62,814,223 (when viewed up close, they’re actually made out of small dots)
Area: 551,500 km2
Government: Constitutional republic; President elected for a 5-year-term; President appoints a Prime Minister
Currency: Euro; symbol EUR; €1 = US$1.31 (Feb. 2012)
Economy: World’s 5th largest; post-industrial; services; nuclear power; tourism; aircraft; wine; finances
Notable International Enemies: THEY TAKE NO QUARTER
The Tricouleur flag. Blue and Red were long colors of Paris, with White added after the Napoleonic Revolution.
Famous For: The Eiffel Tower; the Tour de France; Notre Dame; food; wine; berets; croissants; the Lourve; mimes
Not Famous For: Owning the planet repeatedly; being the most popular tourist destination in the world; having more sex than any other nationality per year; nicotine is named after native Jean Nicot, who introduced tobacco to France in 1559
Obligatory Tourist Detours: Paris; the Eiffel Tower; Versailles; Notre Dame; the Lourve; the Catacombs
What US$20 Can Get You: A fantastic meal served with wine or, alternatively, ~five royales with cheese
Quick History Recap: The Louis dynasty. Descartes. Voltaire. The Seven Years War. The French Revolution. Napoleon. Impressionism. Existentialism. The World Wars. These should all sound familiar, because your exposure to French history is probably second only to that of your own country. That’s the extent of France’s overwhelming influence in global affairs, fueled by their hybrid Neanderthal/cave bear genome.
Holy shit, France is one of the most bad-ass nation-states ever devised.
Alright, I’m two posts into this blog, and it might have already laid claim to the “most entertaining globo-cultural shit on WordPress,” in my ever-humble estimation.
Well done, sir.
Shit on a stick, thanks Mel. If my body was fueled by positive comments as opposed to the Krebs Cycle, I’d probably devise a way to monetize my abnormality and make millions. Just trying to remain highly cynical about this wide world. I’ll be following you, too, and not in this kind of way: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HE9OQ4FnkQ
Good Lord, man. I’ve always considered blogging to be a soft option in terms of potentially leading to digi-lit bromancery, but I think you had me at “A-Ha,” there.
Nothing wrong with cynicism, when its funneled through the finely-sifted perspective of a bastard genius, by the way. That’s just good and sensible math.
This post is amazing, I’m wondering where your info comes from? the finalised recaps wreak of wikipedia?? And you have hit the nail on the head sir, France’s long history is exactly what makes some of their stereotypes quite distinguishable. I can’t wait to get to Paris and test your theories for practicality and research, and believe me, I am a hard judge!
Admitting that you are currently very correct. But you will be tested sir!
Howdee mate?
Thankyou so much for visiting my bogs in Shizuoka,Japan!
The funny part is I’m a pureblood (if there is such,lol!) Frenchman born and raised in Bourgogne (mind you, we descend from aDanish tibe who invaded us in the 4th Century!)!
What do we do in Bourgogne?
Make and eat good wine and food,play rugby and despise Paris!
Best regards,
Robert-Gilles
aka http://shizuokagourmet.com/
Wow, small world for sure. Where do you live in Shizuoka exactly? I was in Fukuroi, home of rice fields and one monolithic Aeon shopping center. Does the word “gaul” refer to that Danish tribe by any chance? I’m ignorant.
LOL!
I live in Shizuoka City but I go at least once a week to Fukuroi City!
Incidentally “Gaul” means “Gael”, that is, Celt! The same applies for Spanish Galicia and Wales which is called “Pays de Galles” in French!
The word referring to the Danish Tribe is Burgondes hence Burgundy/Bourgogne!
Cheers,
Robert-Gilles
A pure blood you say. Maybe you could shed some light on the situation, courtship means what to you (mind you it changes over the generations) – maybe the overtly trying to be charming frenchmen is somewhat of an old fashioned courtship, than in this multicultural age is not as effective as it used to be?
I will defintally be following your blog and would love to learn some more about bourgogne, all but despising Paris seems quite within my box, and travelling is on the agenda – let me know what an Australian tourist (one educated, interested in history , art and fun, that does not ride kangaroos :S sorry to smash the dream) can do in Bourgogne,
kind regards
If you don’t mind the question and if it’s not some sort of illicit パチンコ-oriented racketeering, what brings you out to Fukuroi every week? I’m just kind of surprised that someone is making a conscious decision to travel to Fukuroi. I went to Shizuoka-shi sometimes for meetings in the Kencho offices, but once even went just to go to the Subway restaurant downtown. You guys have it good.
I try to link to the original sources when I write it out here and it seems particularly hard to swallow (I think that’s how you’re supposed to cite sources, anyway) but otherwise it all comes from random sites or even Wikipedia. I try to cross-check.
But that bit about the Neanderthals and shamans, I just studied Anthropology and Evolutionary Biology in college and learned a little about both to forward my own theory of a hybrid Frenchman/cave bear genome.
OOH I can smell the fresh synapses. Images of my Friday night are coming back and the Frenchman/cave bear genome hybrid has a face. Where multiculturalism meets alcohol and boobs.
Work! as simple as that! LOL
Josh! You have embarked on a trip I had started to plan at one point. Kudos for actually pulling it off. I have a small smattering of contacts around that part of the world, some of which might be willing to put you up for a night or two. Let me know if you need anything, particularly if you plan on going through St. Petersburg. Good luck old friend
Aly, just come here now and we’ll go on tour. I probably won’t be heading through Mother Russia, since it’d just be a long expanse of snow for me if I go toward Vladivostok instead of through all them shyster Stans and Myanmar. If you do have friends in Mother Europe, I’d always be up for meeting them and getting drunk.
Trust me, there are few things I think I’d enjoy more than going on an adventure ’round the world, however I’m actually in graduate school right now so the timing isn’t great. Let me know what countries you’re planning on going through and I’ll see if I know anybody there. Be careful in those ex-Soviet states, the US state department refers to them as Trashcanistans and Carjackistans for a reason.